You’re not “crazy” – you are being gaslighted

I’ve noticed the term gaslighting being brought up more by clients and in conversations with friends. As happens with newer, popular phrases, it is sometimes misunderstood and misused. This article is a brief explanation of what it looks like and some ideas of what to do if you think you are being gaslighted. 

Merriam–Webster Dictionary defines gaslighting as the psychological manipulation of a person, usually over an extended period of time, which causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality or memories. This typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability and dependency on the perpetrator.

Although gaslighting primarily occurs in romantic relationships, it can also be seen in controlling friendships, familial interactions and in the workplace (to name a few more). Manipulation is a key part of gaslighting. True gaslighting develops into a repeated pattern of manipulation that involves abusive behaviors with the intent not just to influence someone, but to control them. It’s important to note that although almost anyone is capable of using manipulation, it doesn’t mean they are gaslighting others. Someone who offers a different opinion than yours, even if they’re rude or critical, isn’t necessarily gaslighting you. 

According to an April 6, 2023 article in Forbes Magazine, some common signs of gaslighting include: 

The “Twilight Zone” effect. Victims often report feeling like the situation is surreal; they’re left feeling confused and powerless after leaving an interaction.

Language describing the victim’s behavior as crazy or rational or overemotional. 

Isolation. Many gaslighters make efforts to keep victims from friends, family and support networks.

Tone Policing. They’ll criticize the tone of voice if they are challenged on something. 

A cycle of warm-cold behavior. A gaslighter will alternate between verbal abuse and praise, sometimes even in the same conversation. This is a way to throw a victim even more off balance. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists five techniques that a gaslighter might use against their victim: withholding, where the gaslighter pretends not to understand or refuses to listen, and may accuse the victim of trying to confuse them; countering, when they question the victim’s memory of things, even when the victim remembers them accurately; blocking/diverting, when they’ll change the subject and/or question the victim’s thoughts, saying they are making it up; trivializing, when they minimize the victims’ feelings, will say they were just joking or accuse the victim of overreacting; and forgetting/denial, where they pretend to have forgotten what happened or deny it even happened. 

People who are victims of gaslighting are at an elevated risk for anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. They may struggle with Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), hypervigilance and overall lower self-esteem. Even after they have left or cut off an abusive relationship, they’ll have difficulty trusting others and even trusting themselves. 

According to Dr. Robin Stern, some ways to tell if someone is gaslighting you, and to see if it is affecting your mental health, include: having trouble making even the simplest of decisions; blaming yourself for the way the other person treats you; making excuses for your partner’s behavior to others; walking on eggshells around the other person; trying to convince yourself their behavior isn’t really that bad; staying silent rather than speaking up about what you think or believe; spending a lot of time apologizing for your actions; thinking you can’t do anything right and feeling disappointed in who you have become; and starting to believe what the gaslighter tells you about yourself, including that you’re crazy or stupid.

Here are a few ways to respond or counteract gaslighting abuse.

Proof. Gaslighters make it difficult to feel like you actually remember what happened. Keep proof of what’s going on so you can rely more on that evidence; you can write in a journal and every time you encounter something note the date, time, and what happened. Keep voice memos, take pictures and e-mail these things to yourself for safekeeping. 

Self-Care. Whether you’re still in the relationship with the gaslighter or you’ve left them, self-care is vital. You need to find ways to take care of yourself in ways that feel best and bring you comfort. Grounding exercises and relaxation techniques such as deep breathing are ways to help get some distance from a situation. If possible, step back from the situation to gain perspective. 

Don’t argue with the gaslighter. Their behaviors are not rational, and they will not respond to logic or admit the truth. 

Get an outside perspective. Talk to others about what is happening. Gaslighters try to separate you from others; share with as many people as you can so you can get further validation on your viewpoint. 

Attend therapy. Speaking with someone in a safe, trusted and confidential space will help you while you navigate within the relationship and also if or when you leave it.

If after reading this article you realize you are not experiencing gaslighting, know that this does not mean all is well. Any of the behaviors described above are unhealthy and can become quite toxic if nothing is done. Additionally, any relationship in which you feel unsafe, belittled or unheard isn’t one you need to continue. I strongly encourage you to follow some of the suggestions above including self-care, outside support and ideally therapy. “A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your friends, your dreams, or your dignity,” as put by Dinkar Kalotra. 

Vickie Gonzalez has been licensed for almost 20 years as an LMFT and currently provides counseling, coaching and consulting services. Her private practice is currently online only. She specializes in private practice, including grief loss, addiction/codependency and anxiety disorders. She works with people around themes of identity and purpose as well, primarily with individuals and couples. Coaching services focus on collaborating with clients on setting and reaching their wellness goals, whether those goals are career, relational, financial or personal in nature. On a personal note, she has lived in Carpinteria all her life and became a therapist to give back to the community.