Dear Readers, I really appreciate your questions and comments. I need to hear from you to keep this column interesting.  Please send questions and comments to me at Donnie@coastalview.com or mizdoni@gmail.com.  All names are kept confidential and all questions will be edited for brevity and clarity.

Dear Donnie,

My husband recently gained some weight. He’s not fat or anything, but he’s not taking care of himself. He used to be so sexy and such a fit athletic guy. I tried to say something, and he got really defensive, saying that he doesn’t have time to work out because he’s working so much to provide for the family and he’s exhausted after work and just wants to relax, etc. What should I do? 

Signed,

Sexy Wife

Dear Sexy,

Good hygiene is crucial to a loving relationship. Remind him that you feel more sexy when he is fresh, clean and fit. People who let themselves go are usually depressed. Urge him to get a physical. If he needs to lose weight and get fit again, then the doctor will tell him and possibly prescribe something to help. It’s not helpful for you to nag. Is he resentful of the burden of supporting the family? Do you help? Be attentive and show appreciation for his hard work.

Dear Donnie,

A friend of mine has been divorced twice and has three kids. Only a month or so after leaving her last husband she was already living with a new boyfriend. It worries me that she is putting her kids through the wringer again. Of course, they’ll get attached and be devastated when it doesn’t work out and they have to move and start all over again. Should I say something to her?

Signed,

Kids First

Dear Kids,

It is hard to tell anyone that their lifestyle is bad for their children, especially when it seems so common these days. Is her family around to help and offer advice? Are the children’s fathers involved? Her kids need an advocate. Those kids might be getting a warped view of family life. Are you willing to risk your friendship by telling her that moving in with a boyfriend she has only known for a short time is a bad idea for many reasons? If this man becomes a problem how will she get rid of him?  How does she know her kids are safe with him? Does she know his background and financial situation? I would advise her to do some investigating, it’s cheap and easy on the internet. Why doesn’t this guy have his own place? This woman must hate to be alone. She has already failed at two marriages and impulsively added someone new to her life. Tell her she must put her kids first. The ex-husbands may call Social Services or fight for custody. Is that what she wants? This is too complex for you to solve, but remind her that her choices are harming her kids’ healthy development. Do what you can and then drop her if she won’t take your advice.

Dear Donnie,

I just found out that my father is dating my boss. They met online and hit it off right away. So far nothing has been said to me, but I’m feeling uncomfortable. This is the best job I have ever had, and I don’t want to lose it.    

Should I say something to either of them?

Signed,

Working Daughter

Dear Working,

That’s a delicate situation. As long as the relationship goes well, I would not say anything. Hopefully your boss is professional and discrete. Hopefully she keeps her private life and business life separate. If your father seems happy, you would not want to spoil it for him. Wish them well when they mention it to you. Don’t go looking for trouble. On the other hand, if you work for a big company, consider moving to a different department. Tell your boss that you don’t want to interfere in any way. It’s not like your father works there.  There is no reason for it to be awkward this early in their dating.

Dear Donnie,

I have a longtime friend who refuses to go places with me when I’m going with other friends. She acts like she should be my only friend. I’ve told her that I have mutual interests with these other friends, and I enjoy their company. Should I respect her wishes or tell her that she is too possessive and ought to join the fun? I like her a lot, but she is smothering me.

Signed,

Trapped

Dear Trapped,

You are only trapped if you want to be. She is clingy and possessive, but you should be able to include her in activities she enjoys. If she continues to insist on only socializing with you, then limit that as much as you can. Keep trying. You don’t want to lose your other friends. It is unhealthy to have exclusive friendships. Is there someone else who could talk to her and help her get over her fear of meeting new people? Try that before you give up on her.

After a busy involved life in Carpinteria, Donnie Nair is embracing carefree living near family in Paso Robles. Her column appears the third Thursday of the month. Questions are subject to editing, and not all will be answered.

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